5 Ways to
Tell if You Go to a Third-Rate University
1) The words "excellence"
or "excellent" are used in materials describing
your university in printed material or on the Web.
2) The president of
your university, or its other administrators, frequently use
the words "excellence" or "excellent"
in speeches or memoranda.
3) Your university (a)
has one or more clubs or organizations for athletics boosters,
and (b) these clubs release public statements about "excellence
in athletics and academics."
4) Fundraisers for your
university explain that their purpose is to promote "excellence,"
or to develop "excellent" resources with money
raised for the university.
5) Your campus bookstore
(a) contains almost no books, (b) contains a huge variety of
merchandise -- clothing, pillows, mugs, toys, alarm clocks, fanny
pillows, hair-removal systems, candy bars -- featuring the university's
name or logo, and (c) one or more of these items displays mottos
containing the words "excellence" or "excellent"
-- e.g., "Sargasso State University: a tradition of excellence."
count the number of times "excellence" or "excellent"
is used in your university's Web pages. This is your base score.
Add one point for every occurrence of the two terms you can then
find in printed materials released by the university, plus all
those you are able to identify in categories 2-5. Divide by two.
1-2: you attend a second-rate
3-4: you attend a third-rate
5 or more: burn your
student card and arrange to have all mentions of the university
erased from your personal records. Disenroll and ask your friends
and family never to mention that you set foot on the campus.